I sit in front of the empty page and look at it patiently I know it’s somewhere, but I cannot find it right now. It is hiding from me, but I wait. I wait for that spark to come back to me, to light me up. I want to have it. I need that flame. I have to create. I want to fill my blank pages entirely with words, Page after page, line after line. The rhythm of prose and poetry will guide me, The inspiration will inspire me The imagination will give me its gift once more. But for now, I just sit here staring at the walls and My coffee in the cup is hot. Just sipping As the morning classical music is playing on the Speakers on the wall, Written by some dead people from a long time ago. This is my morning. This is the process. This is how I write, create, and get by.
It is another day, another Thursday, another Thanksgiving. I woke up early today, even when I didn’t have to. I just like to be up early in the morning to have it all to myself. This is my time to recharge and think and write and just be all alone in peace and quiet. I love early mornings. I love to see a new day breaking in. Everything in life just happens too fast. One minute it is dark outside, and the next, it is bright daylight, and the morning sun is shining in your face brightly, making it impossible to look straight. I love the sun even when it is thirty degrees outside and cold as shit. Something about the sun makes me want to love, watch, see, be in it, and experience it more and more. I do love warmer weather, though, but it is what it is. We live here in suburban Pennsylvania, and here it is cold, and we live through this fucking cold now to see the nice warm sunny days later.
There are a lot of things and people I need to be thankful for, just in general. Of course, all these things combined made me the man I am today, living the life that I do today, and that’s the fact. After such a fucked up and never-ending craziness in the last almost two years, it feels liberating and peaceful at last. I never knew that this time would come where I could fucking just be myself, get my life back, and just relax. There are no more crazy work demands and routines, and lack of proper live-work balance is in the past. After all of this, I now realize how damaged I’ve been that this normal life still feels strange to me. Fuckness! Life can be rewarding, and great, and balanced, and my fucking dividends are finally being paid back indeed. Who knew this time would ever come? I didn’t. I was always hoping for it, but I never knew this would come to any fucking fruition.
Nothing ever was easy for me, whatever it is. Everything has always been a fucking pain in the ass, a drag, a struggle. Everything required a significant work investment and effort. Early in my life, I’ve learned that I always have to put a lot of work into everything if I want to get anything in return. I knew that this is how my luck works, and it doesn’t give a fuck how nice of a guy I am; it will beat me to the ground on any occasion possible. At least, the good thing for me is that early in my life, I never felt entitled to anything. I knew that I needed to bust my ass to get anywhere. And that is what I’ve been doing with my life, busting my fucking ass all the time, especially in the last five-six years. I got more fortunate than most on a few occasions, but the hard work still preceded anything.
Even just a year ago, I was so lost and damaged and confused and really locked in my own bullshit and madness, literally locked up within the four walls, trying to see and wait, what the fuck is it going to be next. How will it all turn around for me? It was dark and depressing, and it has been my lowest of the low mentally and emotionally. I have never experienced depression so deep and profoundly and constantly. For a brief moment there, it felt normal. Thank God it is behind me now. Thank God I can see the clear sky above my head. Things did get around a lot, especially in the last few months. I am living in a new house, my family and I are all healthy, I am working a new job with much better pay and conditions, and pretty much everything I ever wanted. I’ve got it all now. I finally got everything I ever fucking wanted! And I’ve just realized it as I am writing this. This is still kind of unbelievable to me.
Not so long ago, I’ve been hustling at this fucking insane corporate job, trying to get shit done, trying to make shit happen, trying to fulfill the agenda, and playing a role in all that corporate bureaucracy world. I always had hopes that it would end soon; crazy shit like that cannot last forever; I will see a better life soon. That was the problem. I should’ve run away the minute I’ve seen the shit going sideways. I should’ve never justified any of that bullshit for myself. I should’ve known better. I didn’t, unfortunately. Maybe I was too naive. Perhaps I really thought that I could change something. I guess there are places in the world where you shouldn’t try to change anything. Now I’ve learned my lesson. You are there for as long as you can be there, and then, you should be gone and forget about all that horseshit and move on. That is what I eventually did, but it took me almost a year to get done and over with.
If I had to be thankful, I would be selfishly grateful to myself for sticking through all that bullshit and never giving up. Mentally on a certain level, I was trying to give that shit up, but in reality, I didn’t. I was always trying to make things work to the best abilities. I was trying to navigate through that nonsense with peace of mind and calm and just being patient. It took a lot out of me. I am never the same person again. I don’t know if that crippled me or made me stronger, but I am a much different person today. I am glad I’ve become a different person. This is how life works essentially. It takes you on a trip through all the picks and valleys and makes you understand that you mean shit to it. It shapes you and your inner world, pushing you to get to that new perspective that is more accurate, more true, and eventually helps you see a better side of your life. It comes with no instructions, though. You have to figure it all out on your own.
Happy Thanksgiving to you all! I hope you’ve made this a great one, as you should.
Cold morning air feels refreshing Feels like morning, feels like a new day. It feels like freedom.
You inhale the smoke of a cigarette And you sip on that morning brew Like it’s your energy, It’s your fuel That will drive you through this day.
The trees stay cold and motionless And the sun is waking up Yet again, Yet again, bringing you another day To live, to fight, to struggle, to prove That you can make it.
You are making it alright, Good things are fucking coming As they should After such a prolonged suffering And chaos and misery.
You’ve got another chance to make things better You’ll get more of these chances Hopefully, As you go through this day and another day, And another cigarette and coffee In the morning.
Thoughts come and go, and some stay, Problems come and go, and some stay. This is how it is, and it always has been this way. This is your life and your choice, and your battle.
As the world wakes up to face another life You wake up to meet your demons, You trick them sometimes, Sometimes you struggle, sometimes They are just another you. Another side of you.
You know it, and you know it well. And the cold morning air knows it As its getting warmer As the new day unwinds And brings you this life to Live again. Yet one more time.
Yesterday I quit the job that I worked at for the last three and half years. This has been the longest time I worked for any company in my life this far. Every time I left a job in the past, I was reminiscing; I felt sad and nostalgic. Not now, though. Strangely enough, leaving this hellhole was not triggering any sensitivity in my heart and soul. It ate so much out of my life that I cannot even fathom it.
The last two years have been shit for most people. Too much nonsense went on, too much stress, anxiety, bullshit, and the discovery that there could be a new normal, even more, fucked up than the old one. The last two years have been both exciting in my personal life and fucking traumatic workwise. My son was born two years ago; I got a promotion at work; I was finally able to pay off all my debt, save some money, buy a house, we moved to a better place, we’ve traveled, I’ve self-published my first book, a collection of poems, we’ve discovered new things for us as a family. It all began as a mystery in the workplace, turning into something productive for a short period, and then the shit hit the fan, and all the fucking craziness broke loose.
We were all in the lockdown stage of life, and the pandemic was in full swing. All of a sudden, everyone, and I mean everyone, freaked the fuck out. All companies, organizations, grocery stores, factories, banks, you fucking name it, they all went fucking insane. A lot of people learned that their jobs were not essential, and they were fired or furloughed. The government was kind enough to send them “Covid-checks,” which kept most of the people officially out of the workplace for almost two fucking years now. It was scary to go to the grocery store, the fucking shortages began, people were afraid to walk by one another, people were even more strangers than ever.
My workdays became gradually longer and longer, and since we were all locked up in our houses, it was easy to reach us and give us some more work. There were priorities on top of fucking priorities never fucking ended. They always wanted more and more and fucking more! Greedy corporate fucks! Fuck them! Eventually, there was so much work to do that I would still be behind on everything even if I skipped my sleep and meals. Everything just got utterly unmanageable.
I don’t know how and why I took all this shit on myself but apparently, so did everyone who decided to stay employed. On the one hand, this persistence gave me a great opportunity down the line to save more money, remain independent, buy a house, and keep out of debt. On the other hand, I’ve got a fucking significant brain damage from work overload, burnout, fatigue, and quite a few nervous breakdowns. I literally, mentally, and spiritually lost my shit. Regardless of how much work I’ve done, there was always something else, something more, and then more on top of that. Somehow I made it all work.
I tried to keep my sanity intact, I was keeping well with my writing, I was trying to stay fit and exercised a lot, I meditated a lot. More stories and poems reflective of what the fuck was going on in the world and my life than. My mind went into some strange places for a while but luckily came back. I was finally able to finish editing and re-writing some of the poems for my self-published book. The whole process took me almost six months to complete, but I did it. I found a designer who created a cool fucking book cover; I wrote all the bios and intros and re-organized all that shit, and it was an excellent experience for me altogether.
We went to Florida for a week once in late September of 2020 with friends. It was a great time. I was able to relax, forget about the stupid job, relax and stop the fucking time from running. It is fascinating how fast the time was going here in PA, and then out there in FL, everything slowed down. It was just chill. There was no rush, no urgency, nothing particular to do, and no fucking due dates, no deliverables. I just relaxed and got my life back for a week. After we returned, the crazy shitshow continued as usual.
In early 2021 I started to think seriously about a new job. I started to apply online a lot but with no success. I knew my resume was shit, and I needed a better, professionally written resume to breakthrough. The whole resume process went on forever. I started the process with the agency in late February, and it was only ready by early May. Two fucking months of a drag. As I said, everyone was fucked up. In March, I got a severe nervous breakdown while working on a “critical update,” and my fucking phone wasn’t connecting right, and then my computer took a shit, and I threw both of them against the fucking wall. Needed to get new equipment within the same day to get online and finish all that work shit.
Then was an announcement that we would start returning to the office beginning in mid-May. First, it was just voluntary; if you want to come, please come and check it out, see what’s new, see what’s changed. Then it was a mandatory visit or a few visits before early July when the hybrid schedule officially would kick off. I knew that the “freedom” of working from home would end very soon, and I needed to take advantage of that. I needed a vacation, and since last year’s break was very brief, we decided to take a more extended vacation time. Since I started looking for a new job, I decided to use most of my vacation days and mix them with remote work to cover the whole month.
We thought about a two-week straight vacation. But then why in the fuck would we want to cut ourselves short? We found a rent for a whole month of May, at the nice place, in the lovely neighborhood, and it all worked out just fucking great. We went to the beautiful Palmer Ranch in Sarasota, Florida. It was a fucking blast. That sunshine, the ocean, the sand, the palms, fucking alligators, all of it completely changed my life, how I felt, how I thought about life, all the anxiety and bullshit and depression went the fuck away. I felt like a normal human being at last for such a long time. Finally! Finally, I knew that there could be a decent life, a great life is possible, living in Florida is fucking awesome, and the climate is fantastic. I also proved to myself that moving to FL is definitely doable, and we as a family will at some point move out here. Things have changed in our lives as the year went by, and our priorities and responsibilities changed. So we decided to stay in PA and bought a house here in the suburbs. But my heart is other there in Florida. I couldn’t get enough of sitting on the sand, drinking beer, smoking a cigarette, watching the best fucking sunsets ever, and really enjoying my life.
I’ve been very reminiscent about FL recently. Somehow, something just triggered good memories, and I was all consumed by it. The weather on the East Coast is getting colder, too, and that also doesn’t help not thinking about the good warm days. If one had the perfect living place, Sarasota would be mine and the only ideal place to live. I remember evenings spent on the beach with my family, watching the most amazing sunsets while drinking my beer and genuinely enjoying every moment.
There is nothing more simple and more beautiful in the world than a beach. The blue ocean water was calming my worried mind and soul. The sand was so white and pure and soft; you wanted to be there to experience it all and never leave. The days were perfectly hot, with 88 average temperatures, and the sun gently burned out all the anxiety, stress, and bullshit that occupied my brain. The whole experience was very much therapeutic.
The future is unknown, and many things can and will happen down the road. I know that I cannot control most of it, but I can set my mind on something and achieve it. And I will. I fucking will, sooner or later. For now, though, we’ve just got a great house, our first house as a family, it needs us, and it needs our attention, so we’ll be here. We’ll take care of it. We’ll do our best to have a great time here. We’ll be ready to move to Florida in no time. Sarasota, we miss you, and we will be back soon. The new chapter of our life is about to begin.
