The story I am about to tell happened to me fifteen years ago. It might not seem like a very good or an interesting story but it makes me feel shameful of my own ego even today. This story is one of the many examples from my personal life that taught me an important life lesson. I guess they call it a turning point. It might as well be one of the turning points that changed my perception and appreciation for my mother, my family, and life in general.
This story takes place around December, my first semester at junior college. It was just another Friday night and the four of us were hanging out. We roamed around the City, did some shopping then we had dinner someplace and a few drinks. It was a great time. I still feel good thinking about those days. And to be clear, I haven’t had any social life before then, so to me, those days were pretty good in terms of getting some life and getting to know people around me. I, my friend Gene, his girlfriend, and my new girlfriend were best friends in college. We did everything together. We all came to America in about the same time, we all were about the same age. We started college same time, took the same classes, and went out for lunches, coffee breaks, smoke breaks, and double dates.
I was in my first year of college trying to become a decent student and eventually a decent citizen and proud office worker. It all starts in college somehow. Back then I knew a few wise things which I always kept on my: 1) I am nobody here, 2) I don’t know anybody who can help me, and 3) I need to make shit happen for me somehow. These three things basically defined my understanding of life and were driving me through the college years and eventually into the workforce. These were the thoughts of a young immigrant teenager who was brought to this country to have a better shot at life with a single mother who worked multiple jobs to support me and my brother.
Even though I eventually have accomplished one of my early immigrant/American dream of “making it” in America, things didn’t go smoothly in the beginning. I remember almost failing my first year in college. I’ve struggled with most of my classes, learning wasn’t going well, I wasn’t interested or motivated to do anything. All I wanted to do was to hang out with my friends and my new at the time girlfriend. These were the times when I was getting laid regularly and I thought that I was a pretty matured fellow and I have my life under control.
Gene was driving us home that night as we’ve decided to go home. It was around 12 am. I was the first one on the way to get dropped off. Gene stopped the car in the middle of the street, right next to my apartment, and we were saying “Goodbyes” to one another. All of a sudden, my apartment’s doors opened and my mother ran out and towards the car, to the driver’s side.
“Is John here?! Are you here, John?!” She said with some sort of madness to her voice.
“Yes, John is here,” Gene replied not knowing what the fuck was up.
“What the hell are you all doing here this late at night? Don’t you have better things to do? Don’t you have school to study for? How in the hell are you going to make it? Why am I feeding you, you low-life scumbag?” All and more of such compliments went my way, and then some more were directed at Gene as well.
“And who do you think you are?! What have you all been doing together?! Don’t you have anything better to do?! What is your problem?!” She screamed at Gene without any fucking reason and I felt embarrassed as shit.
“Alright man, this is fucked up, let me get out and take care of this.” I ran out of the car and took her out of the street. There was no limit to my embarrassment. My good friends, my girlfriend… How am I going to get laid anymore after all this shitshow? “Have a good night all, sorry for this shit.”
“Ok, let’s go home, mom. Why are you screaming at him? What has he done?” I was getting angrier with every second.
“What has he done?!” My mother didn’t even sound like her. She was going mad and furious with her emotions. This wasn’t the first time when I saw her losing her shit like that but this has been the most embarrassing, especially in front of my friends and my girlfriend. I started to lose my shit too.
“Hey, I am living my life. I am not doing anything wrong. You have no right screaming and embarrassing me like that in front of my friends!” I screamed back at her.
“Who do you think you are?! I am working my ass off to feed you, to send you to college and all you do is hanging out with these people?! When do you have time to study? What your grades are? Are you trying to run me to the ground?!” She was just fucking furious.
“I am going to take care of my college, don’t worry about it. Why in the hell are screaming at my friends for?! Fuck this, I am leaving!” Were my last words, I’ve got my jacket and went outside.
It was fairly cold out but I was boiling with anger inside. I took out a cigarette and started to walk out towards the shopping plaza nearby. This was the first time in my life leaving home.
I was standing on that plaza smoking and wondering what the fuck just happened. This was a moment when I truly did not know what to do with myself. My mind kept on browsing as the cold wind blew the evening’s air along with my cigarette smoke. I should call Gene I thought, apologize again and see what’s up.
“Hey man, how are you? Listen, I’m sorry for that shitshow that just happened. I have no idea what the fuck that was all about.”
“No worries man. This was weird, but fuck it. I am alright.” Said Gene smiling.
“Hey man, I’ve just and had a major fight with my mother and I’ve left home. I am not coming back there tonight.”
“Damn, sorry to hear that, man. What the fuck are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, I’ll walk around the neighborhood until the morning, I guess.” I did not know what to do anymore. I thought about the homeless people who lived in tents or under the bridge and how fucking cold they must be during the nights like this. Am I going to freeze to death? Fuck if I know.
“Listen, why don’t you come over to my place tonight? I will talk to my parents, let them know the situation and you can crash on the couch for tonight, ok?”
“Sounds good man. I feel even more awkward now. Not sure if your parents will be alright with this?”
“They will be, no worries. Let me drop Lynda off and I’ll come back to pick you up, alright? Where are you right now, by the way?”
“I am at the Grand plaza. Just fucking handing around. Stop by whenever you can.”
“Sure, will do. Alright man, see you soon.” Said Gene and hung up.
“Thank you very much, man.” Said I with a slight hope for a better way of spending the night.
Fuck, the situation went off the fucking hook quick. I was homeless now. God damn it! I would have to see Gene’s parents now and try to pretend like I am a good boy. What a fucking embarrassment! But what other options do I have? Freezing my ass off outside? Walking around smoking cigarettes until the morning and then what? Come back home, take a shower? Damn, shower sounds great right now. Well, let’s see how tonight ends. I’ll think tomorrow what I will be doing next.
In about fifteen minutes Gene’s car showed up on the plaza. He saw me standing there like a lunatic, all alone with a cigarette in my hand. He pulled up smiling.
“Hey, get in. Let’s get the hell out of here!”
“Thanks for picking me up, man. I appreciate this a lot.”
“No problem. Let’s go now. I’ve already talked to my mother. She is good having you spending the night over. She is making up the couch in the living room for you. So, don’t worry. It’s going to be ok.”
“Thanks again, man.” Said I with a little more hope than I had ten minutes ago. A true friend will never leave you alone in a shitty situation.
In about fifteen minutes we were at his place. The couch in the living room was already set up for me. Gene’s parents were sleeping in the other room. He showed me around and then went into his room. I was laying on his couch trying not to fall asleep but my eyes were just getting so heavy. I thought about the whole thing. Where does it come from? What the fuck did I do wrong? Is it wrong to hang out with my friends? Or having a girlfriend? Why the simple, good times of my youth spent together with my good friends had to turn to such a shitshow? I was trying not to fall asleep. I was hoping I can just stare at the ceiling of the darkroom until the morning. It didn’t feel right. I should’ve been at home. This shouldn’t have happened. But it did. But it fucking did. As the night took over and went, I’ve dosed off without even knowing it.
Gene’s parents woke up and early and were getting ready for work. It was Saturday of all days and they had some overtime to do. I could hear them preparing breakfast in the kitchen, they were whispering something. Shortly I was awake pretending that I am still sleeping. What would I say to them if I woke up right now? I was full of shame and awkwardness. Gene woke up as well and had a few words with his parents. They were talking about me; Gene explained the situation again. In about forty minutes his parents were gone to work. The house became empty and silent for a moment. I woke up and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later Gene came into the living room.
“Good morning, man. How was your sleep?”
“Good morning, Gene. Good, thanks.”
“Hey, do you want to have breakfast or something?”
“No, man, I’m good. Don’t bother.”
“How about some coffee?”
“Coffee sounds good, thank you!”
“No problem.” Gene went on setting up the coffee machine.
“So, what do you want to do next?
“I don’t know, I’d like to go home, change and take a shower while my mother’s out at work.”
“You can take a shower here if you want?”
“No that’s alright. I feel like I’ve already owed you too much.”
“Bullshit. It’s no biggie, man. So, what’s next for you? Are you coming back home or you are moving out?”
“I’ll think about it. I can’t go anywhere yet. I am only working one day a week at the restaurant if I am lucky. There aren’t any savings, you know? I’ll fuck around for a little bit more and then eventually would have to come back home when everything cools down. I just kind of want to show her that I don’t want to be babysitted like that. I’m fucking nineteen, for fuck’s sake!”
“I hear you. I need to take my car out to the shop today and then, do some shopping. We can hang out if you have no other plans? And by the way, Jayson is having a party tonight at his place. His parents are out on vacation. Let’s go and hang out there tonight? It will be fun. What do you think?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
We finished drinking our coffee and Gene drove me back home. Nobody was there, just as I thought. I took the shower, changed and left with Gene. We went on an entire day about his business while I was trying to forget the recent events.
Jayson was a few years older than me and Gene. He already graduated from the same college as we were going to. But for whatever reason and through some mutual friends we all knew each other and hand out together a lot. Jayson was overweight, short guy, with a round face and a round head, wearing eyeglasses. He was an extremely entertaining guy and he always talked a lot. I mean he talked too fucking much. Nobody had a chance to say anything around to him. Jayson was a fucking old-school party animal, and he smoked too much but we all did that in the early days. He was always full of ridiculous stories about how he and his friends in the past were getting crazy drunk and crazy stupid and did a lot of stupid shit. There was no end to those stories. I was slightly pissed at him because he and his fucking talking had almost gotten into my girlfriend. She didn’t even like that guy but he surely was trying to get there first. It seemed like he liked her too, but I got lucky instead. I’ve scored the deal. Anyway, we all pretended that this is the way shit is and we all have to move forward.
There was another guy invited to the party at Jayson’s, Serge. Serge used to be a cool guy, metalhead turning into a techno head. I knew him since high school. He was one of those weird kids wearing weird outfits with fucking chains, and skeletons, and leather and shit. He’s changed a lot as time went by and he turned out to be a fucking fashion boy / Primadonna dreaming about becoming and multi-millionaire. The reason I am even mentioning this guy in the story is that he used to be the first who dated my girlfriend before me. They didn’t last together for too long anyway. They’ve split about one month before these events. I can’t remember now what their issue was. He claimed to have sex with her. Nobody else believed him but it was rubbing me the wrong way and his personality was driving me crazy too.
I and Gene had a lot of fun hanging out together that whole day. We took care of the car, did the car wash, we bought some coffee and cigarettes, played the music loud with the windows down, smoking cigarettes while driving around all day. Gene was the right guy to have fun with back then. When the evening came, we’ve picked up the girls and went to Jayson’s house. Serge was already there. A few other people from college showed up as well.
We’ve listened to some dance music, did some dancing, drinking, smoking, and had a great fucking time at Jayson’s house. Serge was behaving like an idiot playing one of his latest most favorite songs on repeat for the fucking half the evening. We all just laughed about it. It was obvious that he was going through some shit and needed attention. He still bugged me deep inside. At the end of the evening, the fun was over. People started to leave home and the party was wrapping up slowly. I felt sad. I didn’t have a place to go to. The thought about having to decide what to do next was stressing me out.
“He left home. Had a beef with his mother yesterday.” Said Gene to Jayson as we were smoking outside.
“Damn, what happened?” Jayson asked.
“I don’t know, she just went fucking furious on me and Gene. She screaming about us hanging out together and not studying and shit like that. She’s that crazy sometimes.” I was trying to give the best explanation I could.
“You can stay here if you want?” Jayson suggested.
I looked at Gene and figured that coming back to his place would be too fucking annoying for everybody. Why the fuck not, there is nobody here? Jayson’s parents were out and I could spend another night outside my apartment. I will prove to my mother that I am still pissed, and I can make tough decisions, and that she was wrong, and that I don’t want to be controlled and schooled like a fucking child.
“Thanks, Jayson. You’re the man.”
“No problem. I got to wake up at seven in the morning to work though if that is not a problem?”
“No that’s fine. Thanks, man.” Said I with slight relief.
“Sure, let’s get inside and take that fucking Serge of my computer. He’s been playing that same fucking song for about a hundred times now.”
We went inside, I said goodbye to my girlfriend, Gene and his girlfriend. There was nobody else left there. There I was left along with these two guys who I didn’t’ even liked very much. What else could I do? Serge was going all the way on that David Guetta “The World is Mine” song. Now that nobody else was around he had it all to himself. He was jumping and smiling and having a fucking blast.
Eventually, even Serge went home. There was nothing else to do and nothing more to say to one another. Jayson worked at the local bank. He was getting up to work early. He prepped a couch for me and then showed me where I could find anything I might need in his house.
“Hey, you can do whatever you want. Here is a fridge, get some food if you are hungry, use my computer, use the bathroom, watch TV. I don’t care. I just need to get some sleep before work. I feel sorry for you man. It is kind of fucked up. I argued with parents a few times where I wanted to leave the house… I know what you are going through. It’s going to be alright; the shit will settle down.” Jayson was very helpful and very understanding for whatever reason.
“Thanks, man, I appreciate your help. It’s alright, I’ll just go to sleep. I don’t need anything at the moment.”
“Alright, man. I’m out of here. Good night.” Said he and went upstairs.
“Good night, Jayson.” Said I, laying on the couch.
I was trying to fall asleep but couldn’t. I was tired of all of this. I had a great life outside my home but inside my home, it’s a fucking battlefield. Why things have to go so wrong so quickly? Here I am, another night on another couch. My head was full of thoughts and worries. On one hand, I am proving my point, and on the other, I don’t know what the fuck will I do next. I thought that my mother went a bit too far this time. She could’ve been waiting for me inside and then scream at me. Why in the fuck was she running outside? Did she want to scare Gene and the girls away? Fuck if I know.
What will do tomorrow? Jayson will drop me off somewhere and I will have to decide. What about college? I fucking hated that college and I hated studying. I haven’t spent too much time studying after all. I was busy spending my time and having fun with my friends and my girlfriend. But where are they now? They all went home, as they usually do. Nobody had to worry about my shit at all. Nobody gives a damn. They all have normal lives. Why would they be worried? Their families are better off, their families are together. And mine? I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with my family. Tomorrow they will wake up and go to classes as usual and I am spending another night not at home and not knowing what to do. I am spending the night at Jayson’s house, who I never liked or been good friends with. And now he is being a better friend to me than anybody else. What a fucking fuck am I? I felt sorry and angry with myself. I felt stupid. I felt wrong. Sometimes life will put you in a shitty situation just so you can better see and understand things through a different perspective. I didn’t have any money, I didn’t have a good job, I didn’t want to go to college. I have no opportunities at all in my life. How can a man live like that? Just a couple of days ago everything was great and now I am lost and broken. This fucking life is being a bitch to me again. Is my mother still angry? How will we resolve this conflict? I don’t know. My mind was racing and I was getting more and more ashamed and confused and lost until I finally gave up and closed my eyes. I was sleeping through another night not home with another problem not solved.
I woke up and Jayson was already in the kitchen eating breakfast and dressing up at the same time.
“Good morning, man! How did you sleep?” He asked smiling and fixing his tie.
“Good morning, Jayson. I’m good. Slept well, thanks.” I lied.
“Ok, would you like some coffee? I will be heading out soon. Do you want me to drop you off somewhere?”
“I don’t what to hold you, man. Let’s get out of here. I don’t know yet where I am going to. Maybe, you can drop me off somewhere nearby your bank and I will figure it all out then?”
“Sure, man. No worries.”
We went outside, smoked the morning cigarette while the car was warming up.
“What will you do about it?” Jayson asked me as we were driving.
“I don’t know. I am trying to figure this out. Don’t want to go home just now. But eventually, I would have to. I don’t know what else to do.”
“You can spend another night at my place if you want, my parents will be back tomorrow.”
“No, thanks, man. I don’t want to be a pain in the ass. I’ll let you know if I will have to though. We’ll see how today will end.” We finished our cigarettes and drove off.
“Hey, can I drop you off near that Dunkin Donuts, right there?”
“Yeh, Dunking Donuts sounds good, man. Thank you!”
He dropped me off and went to work. I went inside and ordered myself a coffee with a donut. The place was almost empty. Most of the clients ordered their coffee via drive-thru in the morning. Lazy fucks. I’ve picked a table by the window looking at the street traffic. The street was busy with people driving to work, driving somewhere. Another day just began and everyone had something to do. I’ve never done this before. Just sitting and watching life happening in front of me. It was interesting in away. I felt like I am watching something so generic and yet so addictive, I’ve never had that feeling before. I felt like I am missing out on something. I felt lost even more.
There was a traffic light nearby the Dunking Donuts and the cars were preparing to stop as the light changed to yellow. I saw a golden Nissan Maxima 1991 pulled up and stopped by the light. It was my mother. She was driving to work also. I never saw my mother from a side like I did that day. I felt something strange seeing her on the road in the car, driving to work, not even knowing that I am watching her through the window, not knowing when I will come back home.
I felt like something broke inside me. I saw that poor single woman in her late fifties who was trying to raise two boys and who had several shitty jobs to support her family. She was driving this old, crappy used car, trying to get to work, trying to make life work, trying to make a living. For a moment I was scared that she could see me in the window but she never looked sideways. She was holding to the stirring wheel, focused on the traffic light looking straight. That poor woman all alone in this huge and crazy and strange fucking word. She left everything behind, her country, her husband, everything that she ever owned and moved to America to have a better chance and a better life for her children. A life where the children have a chance of becoming better people could get a better education, better healthcare in this prosperous country with so many opportunities.
I felt tears in my eyes. I felt like shit. I felt like a fucking idiot. I wanted to run out and say “Hey mom, I am sorry, I was a fucking asshole. Don’t be mad at me. I will go to college and study hard, I will improve my grades and I will never make you angry and leave home again! I will be helping you with supporting the family. I will not be a selfish condescending douchebag like I was before. I am sorry. Please forgive me!” These couple of minutes lasted a lifetime.
I did not run to her car and she didn’t turn her head towards me. She kept looking straight waiting for a green light. She was probably planning her day, thinking about her jobs, about the traffic, how to pay the bills… Maybe she was thinking about me and our drama? I don’t know. All I know that she’s been driving to work to clean the rich people’s houses. That was her job. This was how she supported her family. Cleaning fucking houses, toilets and the shit other people left behind to put the food on the table for us. What did I do to help my family? How did I pay her back? How was I appreciating all that hard work?
In the next minute traffic light changed to green and she drove off. I felt like I’ve lost her. She was gone from my view, her car was driving up the street somewhere but for some reason, I felt like I will never see her again. I felt empty. More tears came into my eyes. I instantly started to miss her a lot. I felt sorry for her, for me, for my family and for everything that I ever did wrong. I knew that this wasn’t a random occurrence. I knew that life is teaching me a lesson I so badly needed to learn. I finished my coffee and my donut and went outside. My apartment was about ten miles away. I lit a cigarette and walked home. There was nobody to call and nobody to ask for favors. I needed to do myself a favor and I did. I never left home again.