Getting Fired

That day was supposed to be just like any other working day. It was last Tuesday of November 2017, the week after Thanksgiving. I came to work, as usual, five minutes before 8:30 AM and walked to my desk. I’ve checked my emails opened my drive, started to look over some files, checked what was left behind from the day before. Everything was just normal. I couldn’t even guess that this would be the day when I will get fired for the second time that year alone. 

The sun came out and lit up that usual workday with some sunshine but it has been still pretty damn cold outside. From the inside, though, it seemed like it was warm and nice out there, almost like the Spring came early. During these rare days, you always feel a bit nostalgic and happy and you just want to go outside, leave that fucking desk and that fucking job and enjoy some daylight and enjoy some sunlight and just enjoy the simple moments of your life. I haven’t gone outside until later. I always wait until 12:30 PM sometimes 1 PM before I take my lunch and leave that fucking place for at least one hour to enjoy my lunch in the car. Yes, I ate my lunch in the fucking car, like a true savage I am. That fucking place had millions of dollars in the banks all over this fair country of ours but they didn’t have a simple fucking lunchroom for people to sit down and eat their leftovers at. You had to eat that smelly shit by your desk or take it outside or to your car. I’ve started that job in early August when the weather was still nice and warm. I loved to go outside and eat my lunch by one of the patio tables and enjoying the sun and the wind and the fresh air, and most importantly away from that fucking cubical.  

I had my one-on-one meetings with my manager once a week, usually on Tuesdays. During the last couple of weeks, she demanded me to send her an email with all the outline/progress of all projects and other shit I’ve been busy over the prior week. Before, it was just my notes in my notepad that I read out loud to her and she took some notes for herself, but all of a sudden, we have become more official. I didn’t mind that at all. In fact, I loved it. I have sent her pretty lengthy emails with every single detail that I have thought about or done or was thinking to do during the week. Those emails looked like it is I who is the manager, with so much shit to take care of, instead of her. And looking that the initial size of these reports, I surely looked and seemed to be pretty occupied and a busy man at that company. At the same time, my natural cravings for writing were satisfied and made me kind of happy about it. I always knew I can write. Even if it’s just a fucking email to my boss. 

I didn’t have any meetings set up for the week except for that one-on-one with my manager on Tuesday. That was it. Around 11 AM I have received a meeting invite from her for 12:00 PM. Weird, I thought for a second but who was I to decline that important request from my lady-manager. I call her lady, but really, she was about my age, early thirties, but super fucking rich, since she was the daughter of the CEO. I’ve accepted it and went on with my daily shit. It felt a bit strange. I have never had a meeting at 12:00 PM with nobody in my life. This is the lunchtime and the lunchtime is precious and the most important time for all of the working American people. I was wondering what the hell that was all about. It could be some new project she needed to discuss with me and just couldn’t find a better time. Maybe it was urgent? Ok, whatever, I didn’t mind. I liked to take off for lunch later in the day anyways which would make my afternoons a bit shorter and easier in that regard. I continued to work.  

Twelve bells rang on the clock and a meeting invite popped up on my screen. I’ve hit dismiss and started to undock my laptop from the docking station. The room I thought the meeting was set to be was empty. It was a small all-glass made walls room at the far corner of the building. Not our usual room for our usual meetings. I came in, sat down and waited for my manager-lady-boss to come. She did come a moment later and said that we are not meeting in here but in the room in the neighboring office which they have acquired recently and would soon move people over. I haven’t been to that office yet but was happy to be there for the first time. I followed her. She was wearing some tight blue jeans and she had a nice ass and long legs. Even though her face seemed like a weird plastic doll that came back to life, the view from the behind made me feel a little better. She opened the door for me and I held it for a moment, turned around and saw the HR lady following us. I wasn’t sure where she was headed or if she was coming with us. I’ve smiled and said, “Hi, how are you?” She fake-smiled back at me and said: “Thank you.” I saw that she was following us.  

I’ve started to recognize the time I’ve been laid off from my previous job just about 5 months ago. The same fucking strange pattern was happening again. Out of the blue I get a meeting request, I get to walk somewhere where I wasn’t before and then they would lay it all down for me. Once I had a seat in the office in front of the HR manager, I knew that my luck has run out, my angels have burned their wings, and my gods have left me here alone to die. There would be no mercy and my game was over. Sure as shit, the HR lady was following us and went in the room half a minute later than myself. 

I sat straight behind the table, opened my laptop and my notepad. I was ready to take my notes. My manager was sitting in front of me, messing on her iPhone and also, she brought her little notepad for whatever reason. The door was still open, the room was small and full of mystery in the air. I looked at her for a second, she looked through me not looking into my face or my eyes. She was buying time. 

“We have evaluated your performance and have decided that you are not a good fit for this job and we will have to let you go.” 

She, the fucking rich plastic human being, said this to me with so little or no soul, no mercy, no sympathy, not giving the smallest fuck. Cold as ice, estranged as never. I felt that. I’ve deserved it, I guess? 

“Ok,” said I, feeling like my brains starting to freeze. 

She said all that in about one second, just right after the HR lady entered the room and shut the door. She pulled a chair and sat to the left of my manager. She looked at me with the eyes of a mother whose son just fucked up. She was still pretending like she totally gets it and understands everything and she sounded like it wasn’t a big deal at all. I looked at both of them at the same time. My manager has looking to the side somewhere, kind of checking shit on her iPhone, kind of hiding like a little bitch. She had nothing else to say to me. She was done with me once and for all.  

Somehow, I knew that this was it. I knew that this day will come sooner or later and I knew that if I had more balls, I would fucking quit this job before this embarrassment ever happened. But now I felt like my entire life went right before my eyes: my job security, steady bi-weekly paychecks, 401K, vacation days, health insurance, and a trip to Europe in the summer, savings account, starting a baby, everything’s vanished right in that one little moment. This is the moment when you realize that whatever you ever did for that company and those people were just a fucking waste of life. You feel sad about yourself; you feel like you want to cry, you feel like your balls were just cut off and your heart shredded to pieces. It is the shittiest feeling ever. This feeling of not being needed, the feeling of being rejected, the feeling of people getting rid of you is the fucking worst feeling ever. It was the worst fucking feeling that I have ever experienced for sure. Even during the first time, when I was fired a few months back, it wasn’t as painful. This time I was at my lowest of the low. I’ve hit the rock bottom. 

I hated working for the company anyways but I always thought I could keep this gig for a little while and then leave when I feel like is the right time financially for me to do so. But now it was all over. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t even think straight anymore. I couldn’t talk or argue or say something like “Hey, how about all this work that I’ve done in the past few months, especially in the past two weeks? All those new sales materials, all those new updates, presentations, reports, and stuff?” I knew there was not a chance. I didn’t even need any more chances.  

HR lady read the severance statement to me and I agreed to everything. She said understandably: 

“You have to leave immediately, you’ll get your pay for this week and two more weeks, and also some additional amount to cover everything and finalize your departure from the company.” 

That sounded like the gods up there still had some sympathy for me. At least I can still survive on that money. For a second I thought about what I wanted to do next with my life.  

“Do you want me to collect your belongings or you will do it yourself?” HR lady said trying to sound helpful. 
“That’s ok” I responded. “I’ll do it myself.” 

With that, we all left the room. There was no air in there anymore. There was no life left. The sun was up and shining my way out of there. I felt a bit shocked even though I knew this was a long time coming. For whatever reason, I was always a stranger in the company and never had a chance or opportunity to be part of the team. Not that I was ever going for that anyway. 

I and the HR lady went straight to my desk. My manager meanwhile has disappeared somewhere. I didn’t care. I didn’t see anyone and anybody anymore, I haven’t even noticed if any other of my coworkers have noticed anything strange was going on. I walked up to my desk, opened my bag, picked up my teacup put that in. Shit, there was still some tea in it. I’ve ignored the spill. I’ve put all my belongings into the bag and put on my coat. I still had to sign the severance agreement, I decided I’m going to do that now. Let’s finish with this bullshit once and for all. I need no second opinion anymore. It is over anyways.  

EXHIBIT A 

“I, John Loraine, hereby acknowledge that I was given 7 days to consider the foregoing Agreement and voluntarily chose to sign the Agreement prior to the expiration of the 7-day period.  

I declare under penalty of perjury under the laws of Pennsylvania that the foregoing is true and correct.” 

EXECUTED this 30^th day of November 2017, at _____, Pennsylvania. 

SIGNED 

I’ve got everything and turned around walking down the aisle towards the office entrance. One of my many walks of shame. When you walking realizing that you’ve just been fucked and that there is no way out, no way back, nothing to hope for. I said nothing to the HR lady. She understood everything without any words. Halfway through the aisle, I’ve realized, I haven’t even eaten my lunch yet. Shit. The kitchen/storage room was on the right-hand side to the entrance. I went in there. As I am entering the room full of the stank of someone else’s food was coming from the two used-up microwaves and I saw my manager hiding in there. What the fuck?! She turned around as I walked in and was standing with her back towards me. I still needed to reach over to the fridge to get my lunch bag out of there. She moved closer to the fridge instead. Fucking awkwardness. Now I am staring at her ass for one last time. What should I say? I felt like not saying anything. She’s mad and I am pissed off and angry and who knows what else. I still had to walk to the fridge and moved forward. At this point, she realized she was on my way and moved towards the kitchen’s exit. I took out my lunch bag and walked towards the exit approaching her again. She turned around and looked at me. I decided to leave like a gentleman and say something. There was nothing I could think about at that moment so I’ve turned around and said: 

“Have a great day!” 
“Have a great day you too,” she sounded like nothing happened.  

I walked off. As I was walking up to the staircase, I saw some people in the large meeting room with glass walls. They all watched me walking out as they knew. I’ve reached into my pocket and found my badge there. Fuck! I need to face these assholes one more time. And so, I did. I’ve returned to the office again. My manager and the HR lady were standing next to my cube talking. I couldn’t hear what they were saying I assumed something about me. I’ve noticed the terrified look on the HR lady’s face when she saw me coming back. She looked at me like I came back from hell to take their souls. I’ve raised my hand with the fucking badge and said: 

“I forgot about this thing. Here you go.” 
“Thank you,” she said. My manager just looked with her plastic blank face.  

I’ve decided not to be an asshole and I said to both of them smiling:  

“Have a great day!” 

They both said the same smiling back to me waiting for me to get the fuck out of there already. I left. I forgot about a new box of my green tea in the drawer, as I remembered later. Who cares about green tea anymore? As I went outside, the sun was still up and shining but the wind was just too fucking cold. It felt like the wind wanted me out of there faster and blew stronger with all that freezing cold. I opened my car, dumped in my bag with my stuff, reached out for the cigarette, lit it, smoked it. I’ve started shaking, not sure if that was because of cold or because of the stress. I didn’t even feel that I was smoking a cigarette. That poison had no effect on me whatsoever. It was very cold and windy and I was out of the job. 

I drove home. Heated up my lunch. Ate it. I called my wife and told her that my game was over. She was upset. I felt stronger. I felt that this bullshit would not break me. I ensured her that this is nothing and we will breakthrough. I still will be a successful man someday. Then I thought about getting drunk and drawn all that bullshit in alcohol. I didn’t have a drop though. I just went to bed and slept for a good couple of hours. It felt great. I almost forgot what has happened earlier in the day. A good sleep always helps to reduce stress and depression. It always helped me. The wife came back from her work and we had dinner. We talked; she was upset yet understanding. She loves her man. I do love her too. Later that night I sat down with my laptop and wrote a poem about “Corporate Motherfuckers.” 

I knew that I will make it somehow, I knew that I will break free, and I knew that one day the sun will shine over my head and it want be so fucking cold any more. Every man has a chance, the chance to lose and the chance to catch. I have used the first option already but the one that remained I needed to use properly. I thought about writing. Now it will be a perfect time for that. I thought about the books I have planned to read this year; I can start reading more now. I thought about Bukowski when he left his job at the post office to write for a living. The freedom from the job, the limited income, and the fear of ending up on the streets again made him write more and write better. He finished that “Post Office” novel in just three weeks. That man could fucking write! Bukowski has inspired me to write poetry, at first and later the short stories as well. I am not any good. I am working on it. Thank God nobody can fire me from my writing and I can write whatever hell I want at all times even if it will never leave my computer’s hard drive. It is all mine. I need to make good use of this situation and before I enslave myself into another corporate gig, I might as well spend some time writing and being productive. I knew that I have enough money for a least one month plus the savings but after that, I will go broke. So, I’ve decided to drive for Uber for some time and to have some extra cash. I thought that getting myself involved in the new “gig-economy” was better than and “just another corporate gig” and it might inspire my writing and add some new content and interesting experience into my life. I’ve signed up with Uber and the next day began my new “job”. At that point, I haven’t realized that I will be driving for Uber for another nine months sixteen hours per day and there would be no professional job offers and no luck at any of my upcoming interviews. The new chapter of my life has begun.