Things don’t always go the way we wanted, and sometimes it seems like they go against us. My shit keeps going off the rails quite often. The minute I start enjoying what I have accomplished, the ground begins shaking under my feet, and I have to run for covers. I always have to run somewhere, anywhere, run away. Everything seems to be coming and going in cycles, and these cycles and circles just keep spinning and turning and flipping my life upside down. Sometimes it just feels like the gods are fucking with me by not giving me a clear mind; they keep me confused and searching without even a hint of where to go or what the hell to look out for.
With all the right intentions I keep and always try to make things happened, I am striving for success and trying to make things better for my family and me. But there are moments like this where I have just stuck. I don’t even know what’s stopping me, what’s against me, and why in the fuck I get lost so often. It just happens so. I look around; the wife is here, the babe, the apartment, the neighborhood, I am here too. What’s wrong, then? There is the same face in the mirror every day, which keeps getting older and sadder. The same fresh and cold water in the sink has no taste or smell. The clouds are always there up in the sky. They are, too, all the same, dull and meaningless. They come and go and then come and go again. This is the movement of life.
I’ve always been told the right way of doing things and the proper way of going about my life. And I’ve followed. Now I am here in my life where just some ten years ago, I was dreaming about and striving to be. I got here, and it is not much fun. It is the same rough life that always has been. There is always endless bullshit to deal with. Then I realized that everything only seems great and exciting in the distance. Once you’ve reached your destination, you know that the satisfaction isn’t there, and you continue to move on, going for more, looking out for new excitement, new goals, new purpose.
Then I find myself sitting in the dark room alone, staring into the darkness, thinking about why shit doesn’t feel right. The past comes back up in my mind, and I wonder how I dealt with similar challenges. How I got to where I am now, how I beat the status quo, how I made my own way here. And now, where do I go from here? It is easy to stick in the past and dwell on it and reminisce for nostalgic reasons. I do that from time to time. But I know that I cannot remain there for too long. Life is moving fast. Life waits for no one. I need to catch up; I need to keep moving along with it or advance in my own direction, but I have to keep moving.
It is amazing how time flew by and how fast I grew up older and how many different things in my life changed with it. I am not too old, and I am still young and young at heart, but I am not that careless youngster who used to have nothing but big dreams about the future and couldn’t wait until growing up to be somewhere else to what grown-ups do. Now I have arrived. I am a grown-up with a corporate job, family, child, bills to pay, and freedom of choice, and some sort of financial freedom. There are aspirations to become a writer and to write I love. I love to get up early in the morning before my head is filled with the daily garbage and put my morning thoughts and ideas on the page. It is mainly a hobby, though; nothing serious. But it could be. I need to focus on it more and work on it more. It all depends on me. I have to do it.
Meanwhile, I am more worried about finding a new job because this one is just fucking eating me alive piece by piece every day. The minute I get comfortable with one job I have, shit starts to go sideways, and I am looking for something else, again and again, and again. This trend is always the same. This part of my life and this fucking trend has to change. On the one hand, this keeps the bills paid on the other, drives me fucking crazy way too much.
I don’t know if there is a job that I would love to do for a while. Probably not. Every job gets dull with time, and with more bullshit being added to the mix, the more frustrating, annoyed, and disinterested everything becomes. But it all depends on me and how I am reacting to it and the choices I make afterward. I know I have good inspirations and good intentions for everything, but a lot of time, the shit is not rolling my way, and then I struggle, and I lose my focus, and I am back to the ground zero, thinking about why am I here?
The forever question, my fucking purpose in life, keeps coming back to me quite often. One moment I feel like everything is going my way and the right way, and the next, I have no idea or no control over anything. What should I do? Keep adjusting to the current flow? Get the fuck out of that flow? Mind my own business? Or suffer in the name of a secure, humble living? Somebody once said, if something feels wrong, it probably is wrong. There is another saying that goes something like this, where you are now is the result of who you were back then and what did or didn’t do that brought you here. Butchering this great saying in my own way, but the just of it is there. There are a lot of great things that I did in my life that I am proud of. There are many that I wish I did more of or started sooner, and there are plenty that I wish I’d never done. Everything always has been in perspective, and there are always quite a few things on the scales for me to evaluate the importance of and decide to go after, prioritize or leave the fuck out.
Somehow I ended prioritizing shit that now eats me alive. Shit, that is disturbing me from doing the very few things that really bring joy and purpose into my life. Eventually, I am more involved in shit that is not letting me live the life that I want. That shit keeps me away from my dreams and inspirations and prevents me from making critical steps in life. This is a trap. Fucking corporate trap. Life’s trap. This fucking economy, the job market, the corporations, banks, small business, technology, and everything else is out of their fucking mind and out of control. The people factor is not essential anymore to anybody; it is just the checkboxes on the list that had to be checked and the spreadsheets on the screen which have to balance out. I get that. I understand that, but somehow I am finding myself in this situation again and fucking again, sacrificing my life for the shit that makes me so much more miserable. Why? Because I am a moron. This is an honest answer. Because I cannot yet or have not yet made that right decision towards my personal best interests. I am choosing the safest route all the time.
Maybe this is the time, right here and right now, to figure out and make the tough choice? Make the choice that is mine and works for me? Works for my purpose? Maybe the safe way of living is not really leading me to nowhere? Maybe there is no safer way in anything, and everything has a fucking trap and has second meanings? I think about this situation where I am so lost and have no idea of any directions moving forward that something led me here, and somebody wants me to take the lead and make a change.
The change is always constant, and the change is what has to happen all the time, and I have to change with it. I need to figure out what that change will be and embrace it. I need to have a clear mind about my values and my priorities and how I can be the best me I can be today. I think I am on the right way. I know my heart is in the right place. It is just a matter of time to get these depressing black and hazy clouds out of my fucking mind to clearly see what is out there for me what I should go after. It is still dark, too dark to see at this time…