purpose

Here I go again

~ John Loraine ~ Leave a comment

Here I go again. This is another birthday. Another year went by, another lesson learned and too many not learned. It was thirty-four years ago when I was brought to this world, and I cannot believe how fast the fucking time passed. In a heartbeat, I become a grown man. Not so long ago, I was just a small boy, playing carelessly in my parent’s house, enjoying my cared-for and straightforward living. Everything was great, as I can recall it, back then. Our lives were happier, more eventful, more organized, more engaged. Everything had a purpose and a meaning, or it didn’t have to have any. But we all lived the life, smiled, played, had fun, met friends, celebrated, and reminisced. 

The time was prolonged then. I remember always waiting for something to happen, whether I wanted to be old enough to go somewhere or wait for the holidays, birthdays, new gifts, new visits by our family friends and relatives. I recall friends of the family and relatives were coming over almost every weekend. My mother would cook something, then serve the table full of her delicacies. We all would dress up in our nicest, newer clothes and be waiting for our guests to come over. They always did, and it was the happiest time. They always brought something for my brother and me like some new treats, toys, clothes, chocolates, anything. We felt so excited and happy and appreciative. Back then, this was true happiness to me.

As time went by and I was growing older, I remember that point in time when our guests would stop visiting. Their visits were rare and not even on all major holidays or birthdays. Every time my parents told me somebody would not come, it made me upset. It felt like the holidays were ruined. I always wanted these good old days to go on all the time, never stop no matter what. Everything good and bad eventually comes to its end sooner or later. My childhood did come to an end, and all these neverending visits by our relatives and family friends. My family is now thin-spread across the globe. We don’t have those happy childhood days at the house anymore. We don’t even own that house anymore. We become adults and parents ourselves, and now we are in charge of our lives, children, friends, and relatives. Live came full circle.

Many things have happened in my life over the last thirty-four years. I’ve been around a corner a few times. Somehow I remember all that shit, and it is still affecting me to a certain extend. Things started to go sideways somewhere along the line, and more often than not, nothing was great anymore. However, I keep looking for my purpose, for my new motivation, for another thing to do or accomplish all the time with little or no success. At this time in my life, I realize that this is not the game anymore and that there are some serious responsibilities I need to assume. Having a wife and child and elderly parents should make you take that responsibility, want it or not. 

I know that I am on the right path; however, I feel like this path is too fucking annoying for me. I am too tired to follow it. I need something new, something fresh, something more purposeful and more enjoyable. I love to have certain comforts in my life, and strangely enough, my shitty office job is helping me to have them. On the other hand, this fucking job and this corporation with all their bullshit are driving me fucking insane, killing my soul, and shitting on my brains. I now spent over three months looking for a new job with 0 success. There haven’t been too many interviews, to begin with, but this economy, this fucking pandemic, these new job requirements, and constant chaos all around is just making it all weird and challenging to navigate as fuck. 

I no longer know what I want to do and how to get there. I don’t know where I should go to find any fucking purpose in this chaotic and ridiculous life. I don’t know how to feel happy again because nothing or nobody except for my child makes me happy. I am lost as I ever been, with no directions, no purpose, no satisfaction, no goals, lost goals, no motivation, no desire to do any fucking thing. How did I get here? How to get the fuck out of here? Where is the recipe for this nonsense? How long is this misery going to last? Should I be getting used to it, is what life has become nowadays? 

I don’t know, like so many other things. I just don’t fucking know. I just live my life like a fucking soldier on the mission, waiting for the next day to come while trying to survive today. What kind of life is that? Why has all the joy left me? Is this depression talking to me again? How many fucking times can a person be so depressed? It seems like this fucking darkness came last year and never left me. I felt for a very long time that my job was the reason for all my misery. And for the most part, it has been. That fucking soul-crushing-god-damned-fucking-shitty-office-slavery job has been down my throat for quite a while now. I mean, it all began all well and good, and somehow all the satisfaction and motivation went to shit. Somehow I am on the lowest of the low again. Oh, Fuckness!

Now, I am trying to find a new job, and there is just so much shit happening on my way that I don’t even want that new job. All these new jobs sound like a fucking disaster. There are no great jobs anymore. Everything has its limits, its course, and its fucking time. And it’s all about how much of somebody else’s shit are you willing to put up with. 

I am talking to recruiters and managers trying to sound happy and knowledgeable, but I cannot even pretend to be interested in anything. I don’t give a fuck. I just don’t give a fuck! Meanwhile, I don’t even have an alternative. Stupid shit pops up in my mind like taking a physical job, get away from that fucking office and corporations. But that is not a solution. That is just another fucking trap. And I even know today that doing that for a bit will drive me fucking bunkers very soon. Somehow I need to find this golden middle. Somehow I need to figure it all out. 

I am always a happy person as I know it. I am trying to be always on a positive note. I know that I have had something happy and positive and exciting waiting for me shortly. Everything takes too much time, and the time seems to be flying over our heads like a fucking tornado. I don’t know how long I can or will be waiting for anything to happen. I need to take action, but I don’t know what these fucking actions should be. I am stuck in this fucking misery with no way out, and the fact that I am kind of paralyzed in this situation, I am not able to make any moves or progress in my life, drives me fucking crazy! I don’t know where I am going, and I don’t know what the fuck to look out for. 

I will continue to take care of myself, my family, do all the right things, and spend time with them. That will always be me and my mindset. They need me, and I need them even more. They are my love and joy, and they are everything I need in this life. I want all the best for them. Right now, I cannot afford all the best for them, except my best intentions, but I will be able to one day. 

I go to the gym as often as I can. I will work on my body, my character, my overall well-being, and my fucking mental state. I will continue to look out for these fucking new and better jobs until I will finally get one. I will spend more time with my family and my friends, as I always should’ve. I am going to write more regularly and write more, and write fucking good. Writing does make me feel better, more fulfilled, and productive. There is a shit-load of writing to be done; there are books to release and publish, self-publish whatever. All I need is to actually sit down and do it. Do it for my own satisfaction, for my own sanity. 

Happy birthday, mothafucka; you’ve made it this far and to so many more! Make sure you don’t fucking waste your time. Make sure you stay in your right mind and stay strong. These motherfuckers out there are not worth going crazy for. You have many people who are worth living for and trying for, which should be your reason and motivation. Fuck the rest! Cheers, you fucker!

Searching for purpose

~ John Loraine ~ 2 Comments

Things don’t always go the way we wanted, and sometimes it seems like they go against us. My shit keeps going off the rails quite often. The minute I start enjoying what I have accomplished, the ground begins shaking under my feet, and I have to run for covers. I always have to run somewhere, anywhere, run away. Everything seems to be coming and going in cycles, and these cycles and circles just keep spinning and turning and flipping my life upside down. Sometimes it just feels like the gods are fucking with me by not giving me a clear mind; they keep me confused and searching without even a hint of where to go or what the hell to look out for.

With all the right intentions I keep and always try to make things happened, I am striving for success and trying to make things better for my family and me. But there are moments like this where I have just stuck. I don’t even know what’s stopping me, what’s against me, and why in the fuck I get lost so often. It just happens so. I look around; the wife is here, the babe, the apartment, the neighborhood, I am here too. What’s wrong, then? There is the same face in the mirror every day, which keeps getting older and sadder. The same fresh and cold water in the sink has no taste or smell. The clouds are always there up in the sky. They are, too, all the same, dull and meaningless. They come and go and then come and go again. This is the movement of life.

I’ve always been told the right way of doing things and the proper way of going about my life. And I’ve followed. Now I am here in my life where just some ten years ago, I was dreaming about and striving to be. I got here, and it is not much fun. It is the same rough life that always has been. There is always endless bullshit to deal with. Then I realized that everything only seems great and exciting in the distance. Once you’ve reached your destination, you know that the satisfaction isn’t there, and you continue to move on, going for more, looking out for new excitement, new goals, new purpose.

Then I find myself sitting in the dark room alone, staring into the darkness, thinking about why shit doesn’t feel right. The past comes back up in my mind, and I wonder how I dealt with similar challenges. How I got to where I am now, how I beat the status quo, how I made my own way here. And now, where do I go from here? It is easy to stick in the past and dwell on it and reminisce for nostalgic reasons. I do that from time to time. But I know that I cannot remain there for too long. Life is moving fast. Life waits for no one. I need to catch up; I need to keep moving along with it or advance in my own direction, but I have to keep moving.

It is amazing how time flew by and how fast I grew up older and how many different things in my life changed with it. I am not too old, and I am still young and young at heart, but I am not that careless youngster who used to have nothing but big dreams about the future and couldn’t wait until growing up to be somewhere else to what grown-ups do. Now I have arrived. I am a grown-up with a corporate job, family, child, bills to pay, and freedom of choice, and some sort of financial freedom. There are aspirations to become a writer and to write I love. I love to get up early in the morning before my head is filled with the daily garbage and put my morning thoughts and ideas on the page. It is mainly a hobby, though; nothing serious. But it could be. I need to focus on it more and work on it more. It all depends on me. I have to do it.

Meanwhile, I am more worried about finding a new job because this one is just fucking eating me alive piece by piece every day. The minute I get comfortable with one job I have, shit starts to go sideways, and I am looking for something else, again and again, and again. This trend is always the same. This part of my life and this fucking trend has to change. On the one hand, this keeps the bills paid on the other, drives me fucking crazy way too much.
I don’t know if there is a job that I would love to do for a while. Probably not. Every job gets dull with time, and with more bullshit being added to the mix, the more frustrating, annoyed, and disinterested everything becomes. But it all depends on me and how I am reacting to it and the choices I make afterward. I know I have good inspirations and good intentions for everything, but a lot of time, the shit is not rolling my way, and then I struggle, and I lose my focus, and I am back to the ground zero, thinking about why am I here?

The forever question, my fucking purpose in life, keeps coming back to me quite often. One moment I feel like everything is going my way and the right way, and the next, I have no idea or no control over anything. What should I do? Keep adjusting to the current flow? Get the fuck out of that flow? Mind my own business? Or suffer in the name of a secure, humble living? Somebody once said, if something feels wrong, it probably is wrong. There is another saying that goes something like this, where you are now is the result of who you were back then and what did or didn’t do that brought you here. Butchering this great saying in my own way, but the just of it is there. There are a lot of great things that I did in my life that I am proud of. There are many that I wish I did more of or started sooner, and there are plenty that I wish I’d never done. Everything always has been in perspective, and there are always quite a few things on the scales for me to evaluate the importance of and decide to go after, prioritize or leave the fuck out.

Somehow I ended prioritizing shit that now eats me alive. Shit, that is disturbing me from doing the very few things that really bring joy and purpose into my life. Eventually, I am more involved in shit that is not letting me live the life that I want. That shit keeps me away from my dreams and inspirations and prevents me from making critical steps in life. This is a trap. Fucking corporate trap. Life’s trap. This fucking economy, the job market, the corporations, banks, small business, technology, and everything else is out of their fucking mind and out of control. The people factor is not essential anymore to anybody; it is just the checkboxes on the list that had to be checked and the spreadsheets on the screen which have to balance out. I get that. I understand that, but somehow I am finding myself in this situation again and fucking again, sacrificing my life for the shit that makes me so much more miserable. Why? Because I am a moron. This is an honest answer. Because I cannot yet or have not yet made that right decision towards my personal best interests. I am choosing the safest route all the time.

Maybe this is the time, right here and right now, to figure out and make the tough choice? Make the choice that is mine and works for me? Works for my purpose? Maybe the safe way of living is not really leading me to nowhere? Maybe there is no safer way in anything, and everything has a fucking trap and has second meanings? I think about this situation where I am so lost and have no idea of any directions moving forward that something led me here, and somebody wants me to take the lead and make a change.

The change is always constant, and the change is what has to happen all the time, and I have to change with it. I need to figure out what that change will be and embrace it. I need to have a clear mind about my values and my priorities and how I can be the best me I can be today. I think I am on the right way. I know my heart is in the right place. It is just a matter of time to get these depressing black and hazy clouds out of my fucking mind to clearly see what is out there for me what I should go after. It is still dark, too dark to see at this time…