I am still wondering six years later, how in the world this could ever happen? Why? I refused to believe it for so long. I could never imagine that the person with so much life and energy could be gone so quickly and so suddenly. It crushed me. I remember that morning as I woke up and I checked my phone, and multiple messages were saying, “have you heard?” I haven’t yet. I am 7 hours behind that part of the world; I was peacefully asleep as the planet changed its course. It was impossible. The impossible happened. Damn. Was it just the dream? Is it just a car accident? Maybe he’s still alive? Maybe he will recover? Why in the fuck did this ever happen? The saddest day in my life was emerging on the early morning of February second of 2015. It has been a grey, cold, nasty, and brutal morning. I still remember that day as it happened yesterday when my hero died.
There are people that once you’ve met them, your life changed its course immediately. There are people larger than life. He was a person like that. He meant life to so many, and he was more alive than anybody I knew. He showed how to live and how to live properly for so many. He helped people to live their lives and be happy and be thankful for the little things. He radiated life energy, positivity, optimism, a bundle of great emotions, and a willingness to live, to live forever. His music was with me throughout my entire life. I was growing up listening to his music and watching him on TV as a kid. Later, as I grew up, I had a chance to meet him personally, and I was just fascinated. His energy consumed me and made me feel different, gave me the boost that I needed to feel life, to feel alive, and have something to be proud of in every breath. I felt that life was great again and worth living, and there were so many beautiful things in life that somehow I haven’t noticed before. Nobody ever has me felt this before or after.
That morning I was about to start a new chapter of my life. My lifestyle was about to change due to restructuring at work. I had a chance to come to work earlier and leave earlier as well. So my new schedule was 8 am, instead of 9:30 am. That meant that I would wake up at 6 am. I woke before that alarm went off on February second. Checking my phone for the time, I’ve noticed all these messages I received overnight. There were some messages from people I haven’t heard in a while; they all said the same thing. My initial reaction was, ok, there was a car accident, he’s probably traumatized, but I couldn’t comprehend that he’s no longer alive. I refused to acknowledge that. I watched the videos sent to me and read the news articles. They didn’t say he’s dead just yet, but about the car accident. Looking at the white Toyota Sequoia wreck after the accident, it looked like it was impossible to survive. It was impossible to imagine it could ever happen. It was just too much to comprehend.
I woke up about 5:30 am and was sitting erect on my bed, wondering what the fuck happened. I’ve jumped out of my bed and opened my laptop to browse for some more news. I wasn’t able to believe what I saw on my phone’s screen. I needed the confirmation. It was unbelievable.
Before I went to bed, I checked my phone and there was a new Youtube video posted on his Facebook, a premiere for a new song. I watched it; I didn’t like it at first. The song was great, but the video was a bit strange and kind of dark and mystique. Maybe it was symbolic? Perhaps somehow, he felt that the end was near and needed to show it or express it in a certain way? I don’t know. He also launched his internet radio station a few months back, playing his favorite music twenty-seven. He visited the United States with some concerts last summer. His shows were a lot of fun always, even if you don’t like his music. The energy that came from that stage was contagious. It would raise the dead. I met him on his multiple visits to the United States; I’ve got his autographs, I’ve got all his music, and become a different person in my life because of him and his influence. That last meeting felt a bit strange. There was a strange vibe that I was getting, something dark and distant. I wanted to say something, but nothing came to my mind. He was severely depressed over the war in East Ukraine during the last year of his life. It consumed him and changed him entirely. I didn’t say something out of line and felt like an idiot later.
Checking my laptop that dark early morning, I confirmed that it was real. It was true. It was still unbelievable. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hide, I wanted to run, and I didn’t know what to do and how to behave. Breathing became hard and it felt that something hurt inside. I was recalling every single moment I knew involving him and his music and his influence. I remembered how and when I met him on multiple occasions, how I’ve listened and discovered his music. I recalled all those funny moments and funny things he said in his interviews. It was helping to get me distracted from the brutal reality but just momentarily.
I started to get ready for work, ate my breakfast, and after jumped in my car. I played his songs nonstop as I drove to work. The streets were mean and sad and grey and black. Nothing that morning seemed to be normal or usual or welcoming. It was way too depressed anywhere you looked. I drove and listened to his voice. I remember the very first time when I’ve heard each song. I was a fan. I knew all his music and lyrics and all records. A lot of times the song came on and it brought tears to my eyes. I felt sad by the lyrics or melody or nostalgia, whatever that song evoked up in me. The lyrics now sounded different though. There were plenty of references about death in his songs, they were more on the philosophical level, but now they sounded as real as they came, just like a prediction. His songs now acquired a brand new meaning. I relistened to a lot of them on my commute and I’ve heard something new in every song.
Every year since his death, I dedicate the second day of February to his memory and think about him a lot. I try to listen to his music and watch his videos on Youtube to recapture some of the greatest moments and memories. He was so alive in those concert videos and interviews. His music sounded great like never before. To me, his significance wasn’t in just the music. He has been the primary influence in my life, and I’ve learned from him more than I ever did from my parents or anybody else. He made me the person I am today. The reason I listen to the music I do is because of him. The reason I became a writer is because of him.
Following his death, I’ve changed my life one hundred and eighty degrees. I’ve learned to appreciate every little moment, every breath, every morning, and enjoy my time being alive. I started to think more about death and the fact that we all have limited time here and that we need to live it fully with dignity and respect and should not waste a minute of it. His tragic example of a person larger than life and who was just gone in one moment taught me a life lesson that I will never forget. Rest in peace out there wherever you are now. You will always live in my memories and memories of so many others. It was my greatest pleasure and honor to meet you, to have you in my life, and to have an opportunity to know you as a person. Thank you!
In memory of Kuzma Skryabin (1968-2015)
2/2/2021